Joy

But she did not weep for long, for almost at once she caught sight of something else, a gleam of gold. Looking closer, what should she see but an exact replica of the little golden flower which she had found growing near the pyramids in the desert. Somehow it had been transplanted and was actually growing in her own heart. Much-Afraid gave a cry of delight, and the tiny golden thing nodded and said in its little golden voice, “Behold me, here I am, growing in your heart, ‘Acceptance-with-Joy.'” (Hannah Hurnard, Hinds Feet on High Places)

My last post gave a glimpse of the disillusionment I feel about church. I thought I made some great points (wink — don’t we all?), but I suppose it revealed as much about my inner state as about the subject at hand. I really don’t want to be neutralized by cynicism. I pray, and wait for love and forgiveness to seep into the wounds. But ultimately there are some things only God can access, understand, and heal.

In the meantime, despite those negatives, there are some things going right around here…

Laughter. I’ve been struck by the amount of it in these four walls. I especially love seeing my often serious firstborn with her head thrown back and her cheeks flushed with merriment.

Table fellowship. I made the seemingly small change of pulling our table out during meals from its spot by the window. This means we sit around it and look at each other rather than being grouped around our very interesting window. It’s amazing how much better the conversation is, and how much less poking and the like occur when sisters are across from, rather than beside, one another.

Horse time. Both girls are taking riding lessons at a Morgan farm, and in addition to that we have two horse-owning friends who allow the girls to ride and work with their horses. I bought a helmet myself last week because I want to get in on the fun. We are blessed by generosity, and there is something that makes me tear up when I see one of my daughters canter with confidence.

Spelling. I switched my 4th grader from Spelling Workout to Apples and Pears, and I see great improvement in her ability to self-edit and to produce careful work.

Math. Both girls are motivated and seeing great results. I don’t know what the magic button is that turned this on; we use Saxon just as we always have. True, at 4th grade the format changes, and I like it much better — and my youngest hit 4th grade this year. Whatever it is I’m grateful for it.

Attentiveness. I’ve gotten much better at setting expectations and supervising details. We’ve been homeschooling for seven years and every year it changes. When I started out I was big on the ideas (“learning in the atmosphere”) but lost in the details; I’ve realized that the details and the system matter, and that my level of engagement in little things like laying out the expectations and assignments on Monday of each week, going over every math answer, and making certain students erase and rewrite badly formed letters — all this matters. Being engaged makes a difference and makes them try harder.

Writing. Older Daughter uses Rod and Staff 7, with Writing with Skill as a supplement that stresses more composition than grammar. But it gets monotonous. A few weeks ago I designed a story-writing assignment, and she exceeded the required length by 3 pages and enjoyed it greatly. I may veer from the textbook more often!

Co-op. We do music, art and gym with 40 homeschooling families every Friday morning, and it’s been a world-expander in many ways. As one friend said, it can be our stand-in community till we find a church.

Art. I have two artists who daily churn out sculpture and drawings and coloring, and I’m always interested in ways to challenge them. What better way than to challenge myself? It’s exciting to me that I may be teaching the high school art class next semester using Artistic Pursuits.

Foot surgery. Okay, this doesn’t sound like joy, but it is. I had a bone spur removed and a toe realigned on my right foot back in 2008, and I’ve needed the other foot done all this time. There’s just never a good time to be laid up recuperating. But now, after procrastinating, and with our insurance being discontinued and costs going up in January, the doctor tells us he’ll get me in before the end of the year. Though it will add complication to our holidays, it will be a great gift to get this out of the way.

Katie. Our dear dog is still with us 2 1/2 months after her cancer diagnosis. Honestly I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse… the responsibility weighs heavily as I watch her declining. I begin to be able to imagine having her put to sleep… she is always affectionate, always chooses to be with us. But she moves more and more slowly, sleeps more and more deeply, breathes more and more heavily, and gets thinner and thinner despite extra feedings. It breaks my heart and I pray for her to go gently and naturally… how can we know when and if we should intervene? Such a tough call, and one that my husband and I have to make together if it’s left up to us.

So there it is… some darkness around the edges at the beginning and the end of this post focusing on the bright things. That’s life, isn’t it? Darkness and light, sorrow and joy, solitude and fellowship, mixture and cross-graining. My prayer is that I will be able to give myself fully to all of it and see what grows.