Speaking the Truth in Love: A Re-Post

I woke up thinking about this post from the past, and wondering: can you “speak the truth in love” in a public forum? I am not sure. Maybe you can. Certainly you can speak with respect. I’ve mused about it here at my kitchen table this morning, along with reading I John.

In any case, though that question is what reminded me of this post, it’s not a post about public speech. It’s about interpersonal speech. It’s from July 29, 2008, and since I felt that revisiting it was useful, I’m going to post it again. Here goes…

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In my limited experience, churches generally leave confronting up to the pastor or the busybodies. But it’s an art we should all be practicing with our friends, however difficult.

A few years ago as part of helping with community-building on a large worship team, I created the list of principles below. When I made it I was thinking of one friend in particular who was on a dangerous road, and I’d tried to help. I remember being pleased with this list I’d made; it represented some lessons learned.

But now, looking at it, I notice it exudes a certain “Do this and everything will be okay” spirit. I think now, I would add another point to the list: sometimes you can do everything right and it still doesn’t “work.” The other person may blow you off. A conflict may not get resolved, and there may be a parting of ways.

But if you’ve spoken what God wants you to, it’s all right. I think rejection is sometimes God’s Plan A, yet we have the idea that we’re supposed to achieve true community without any hurt or offense. Maybe God has purposes to achieve through hurt and offense. Or maybe it’s for someone else down the road to reap the harvest of whatever crop you’re helping to sow. Or maybe you’ll be miserable for a season, and then God in his grace will give you a new perspective. But pain-free community, and confrontation-free fellowship, are really not options.

Here’s the list. It’s been good for me to look at it again; since I first wrote it, it’s been tested. What do you think? What would you add or remove or alter?

Basic Principles for Speaking the Truth in Love

• Bathe your conversations in prayer. Let the Holy Spirit prepare the ground, and you may be surprised at the opportunities he will create for you. That potentially painful truth you long for your friend to see? They just might ask you for it if you submit it to God and ask him to provide you with the opening, and the words, that you need.
• Bathe your mind in scripture. (Need we say more?)
• The aim in opening someone’s eyes to the truth is to help them see it for themselves, so let them do the work. Ask questions, come alongside them in their experience, rephrase what they’re saying and say it back to them so they can better recognize when they are believing lies, but realize that God is going to come to them in a radically personal way, and they will have to put the encounter into their own words.
• Qualify your statements. No matter how great your discernment may be, not everything you see is absolute truth. Present your perspective with the attitude of, “I might be wrong, but I’m going to tell you what I see and you can evaluate it. It’s between you and God how well the shoe fits.”
• Be bold, but not blunt. Truth bluntly stated can crush someone; Proverbs speaks often of the effectiveness of a gentle tongue. But if we are going to speak the truth, we are going to have to be bold in the sense that we always run the risk of feeling—or flat-out being–intrusive.
• Serve your friends. This is the way we earn the privilege of being listened to. According to Jesus, it is the meek who inherit the earth, not the high and mighty. We are least threatened by the truth when it comes from a humble heart.
• Avoid confusing your own issues with someone else’s. Respect the boundary between being honest and transparent about your own life and struggles, and projecting yourself into others. #1 and #2 are the best antidotes for this.
• Know when you need help or support, and ask for it. None of us have to be spiritual superheroes who have all the answers. When you need advice or feel like there are significant problems that you aren’t equipped to deal with, seek out someone wise and pray with them.
• Be trustworthy. It’s possible to seek help without naming the people involved or giving details, so maintain confidentiality. We lose all credibility when we fail to respect one another.
• Be a rememberer. How many times does God admonish the Israelites to remember the ways God has delivered them in the past? You can help to keep your friend’s perspective clear by reminding them where they’ve come from. When they can’t see the forest for the trees, you can do it for them.