Before the Throne

Lately I’ve been struggling with discouragement as a mother. My girls are wonderful, such gifted and beautiful little girls. They (like my husband) challenge me to come out of myself and engage more than I ever would have done on my own.

But some days — like yesterday — I feel totally inadequate. These days are passing by, and I find it so natural to get discouraged and fail to enjoy them. Mainly it’s the repetitiveness; it makes me feel like I’m having no impact. I weary of saying the same things over and over: “Clean up your toys. Hurry up and finish your supper. Make your bed. No, do it right.” Sometimes I feel like I’ve taken up permanent residence in one of those nightmares where I’m screaming, but no sound is coming out. Am I really here — or just a shadow? Is anyone listening? Does what I do or say matter? Or is my life wasted effort?

Then, of course, I learn: yes, I’m heard. They feel my frustration. And that’s the impact I have. Oh goody.

A wise woman would probably say, “This is what motherhood is: training. Repetition is essential.” But I find myself impatient and irritable. It’s the easiest thing in the world to go from that to questions about my spiritual state. Has God really changed my heart? I recall a sermon illustration about how when you jostle a glass, what spills out is what’s inside. What’s inside me? Do I give any evidence of those fruits of the spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control? Or am I just talk — just the endless yammering of my flesh?

It’s a pointless line of thought. Once you’re a mother, you’re in it for life. I can’t return the gift of motherhood and say the product didn’t fit. I need to find the resources to fight that state of mind and stay fully in the game instead of withdrawing into self-pity and condemnation. One such resource this week is a new cd by Chris Rice called “Peace Like a River.” It’s a collection of 10 hymns, retaining the traditional melodies and very simply performed with piano or guitar. I recommend it; I like every single song.

This hymn was unfamiliar to me, and I’ve been finding it encouraging to meditate on it, especially the second stanza. It’s called “Before the Throne of God Above”:

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of my guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of Glory and of Grace,
One with Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!

–Charitie Lee Smith Bancroft (1863)

Pretty amazing. There’s so much truth and theology packed into three short stanzas. How succinctly and naturally this poet weaves her way through it all.

I’m memorizing it as a roadmap to walk through mentally on days like yesterday — a roadmap through grace, a nourishing dish when I come up empty, a dash of cold water when I’m faint, a breath of cool air in the sauna of my natural mind.