Nonfiction

Introvert Power

From a young age, most of us are taught the value of social skills. We learn how to introduce ourselves, how to smile and be polite. We are told to be friendly and make friends. These are all useful abilities to develop. But how many of us are taught the value of solitude skills? How many of us are taught to protect our boundaries, to foster imagination, to be alone? How many of us are encouraged to withdraw from social activity and nurture the life of the mind? (Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength)

In all honesty, I read Introvert Power because it kept coming up on the same search listings as the book I’m waiting for: Quiet: The Power of Introverts In a World That Can’t Stop Talking. It will be released on January 24, and in the meantime this one was available.

It proved to be an interesting read. I’ve never given that much conscious thought to my inner introvert. In college, everyone took the Meyers-Briggs personality test several times, and I got different letters each time. I think I just concluded that it didn’t matter very much.

Laurie Helgoe points out that we all have introvert and extrovert tendencies, but one tends to be dominant. As I’ve been reading and thinking, I’ve realized that there may have been different tides at different times in my life, but these days it’s the introvert who has the upper hand within. As a stay at home mother, and a home schooling mother on top of that, I feel it keenly — that feeling Bilbo Baggins puts so concisely in The Fellowship of the Ring:

Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. That can’t be right. I need a change, or something.

Introvert Power is a good discussion in the pages of which I recognized myself many times. It’s quite readable; though written by a psychologist, it’s not jargony or overly technical, and at times Helgoe is even a little earthy in her style of expression.

She talks about some interesting things, like the need to withdraw and take a retreat now and then. I realized that this is why nature study has been such a delight this year; it has that feeling of sabbath, of stepping out of the closed cycle of school routine in ways that ultimately contribute great things to the girls’ (and my) education, but in a more relaxed, quiet, observant way.

Helgoe also devotes sections of her narrative to asking her reader to imagine what their ideal space would be — whether a room of your own, or a personal retreat center. At first it seemed a little trivial to me, but then I started dreaming a little. I married late, and I remember well the feeling of coming home to my apartment on Friday night and bearing the burden of my social life. I might be invited somewhere. But I might not. There was no guarantee that I would have anyone but myself around unless I took the initiative, and to me that was a burden. I think of married life and family as a great blessing.

But on the other hand, I don’t have my own room anymore. That was a fun part of being single — everything looked exactly the way I made it look, everything stayed where I put it. My living space was my own externalized mind. Now all my space is shared. This is not likely something that will change; I’m not going to wake one day and find a small cabin out back with heat, electricity, a desk and books and comfy chairs and warm colors and nature art on the walls and notebooks and pens and the smell of pine and… so on. But it was fun to think about how I would furnish such a space. In the back of my mind, I’ve always wanted to have a doll house that I could furnish with collectibles and wallpaper and the whole nine yards, and maybe that’s an expression of the introvert’s desire for freedom to create that Laurie Helgoe is talking about. I’m not sure why it was freeing to think about something I can’t have, but it was.

There are things in the book that I didn’t feel I needed: strategies for dealing with extroverts in conversation, creating introvert boundaries, strategies for how to handle invitations to parties. I don’t feel discriminated against in an extrovert society; I’ve always felt there’s a mix of people around me. But in some ways Introvert Power helped me to recognize some ways that I still, even at this stage of life, try to put myself into a different mold than is natural for me.

It was a fairly quick read, but an interesting one that made me think about subjects that probably wouldn’t have crossed my radar any other way. It helped to reinforce our decision this year to cut back on activities and spend more time reading and exploring together in our home school. And in at least one small way, it’s influenced my behavior already: when my husband and daughters were at sports practice, I spent some time at the library reading and writing in my journal, being alone in a public space. Usually I stay at home to read… and fall asleep on the couch. :-) I’m glad I took one of Helgoe’s suggestions, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I find myself doing so again.

6 Comments

  • Sarah at SmallWorld Reads

    “I’ve realized that there may have been different tides at different times in my life, but these days it’s the introvert who has the upper hand within.” So true. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately–how the introvert within me has been making its presence known more acutely these days. I don’t know why–maybe January lends to that.

  • Dennis King

    The whole “introvert” subject has been much on my mind lately. People around me seem to recognize my introverted tendences and have been calling attention to it. Someone stuck an article on “Myths about Introverts” in my Christmas card. Someone else gave me a thick packet of information last week on leading as an introvert. So after reading your post, I think I’m hearing divine echoes! I saw the book “Quiet” you mention on the internet this week and have already added it to my book list. Thank you for your transparency on the subject.

  • Barbara H.

    I’ve always been more introvert than extrovert. I’ve been reading here and there lately about introverts feeling discriminated against in an extrovert society, and I haven’t really felt that way. I’ve always been glad there were different personality types out there to handle things I didn’t want to handle. But I do cherish a certain amount of alone time, and wrestle sometimes with how much of that is personality and how much is selfishness. As you said, when we live in a family we need to share space and time when sometimes we’d rather be alone with our thoughts or a good book. I have learned, with God’s help, to be able to converse with people at gatherings though that’s not my bent. I guess all introverts aren’t shy as well, but I was.

    I read somewhere years ago that it is good to be your own best company. That helped me a lot when my kids were younger and I felt sometimes like I should be doing something with them every moment. It’s good for them to be able to entertain themselves sometimes. My oldest and youngest do that well (my oldest almost too well), but my middle one is happier when doing things with people. It’s good to know our (and their) bent, but it’s good for us and for them to step out of our comfort zones sometimes, the gregarious one to learn how to be alone occasionally and the reserved ones to extend themselves.

  • Janet

    For the record, I love longer comments. They are what make the potential for “discussion” on a blog come to life. So thanks — and I hope we’ll keep on “thinking together”!

    One of the interesting points the book makes is that there are actually more introverts than extroverts out there, but we tend to think of the extrovert more as the norm in some important ways. I was skeptical of this idea at first, but the more I read, the more I noticed my tendency to feel apologetic about my introvert inclinations. “Iron sharpens iron,” and it’s possible for either temperament to be pursued to an extreme that’s unhealthy. But I am beginning to try to “own” my need for a certain amount of space and quietness without worrying about it. It’s impossible not to remember how many times Jesus himself escapes to be alone for awhile, to pray and think. Surely if it’s okay for him, it’s okay for me.