We hear a great deal about the rudeness of the rising generation. I am an oldster myself and might be expected to take the oldsters’ side, but in fact I have been far more impressed by the bad manners of parents to children than by those of children to parents. (C.S. Lewis)
I’ve been trying to remember which book I read this in. I finally googled it and it’s said to be from The Four Loves, but I haven’t read that one. And I swear I’ve read this in one one of Lewis’ books.
But this isn’t a post about attribution. It’s about how I awake each morning a pitcher full of patience, and gradually (or some days not so gradually), as the day wears on, the patience empties out. By evening, I’m literally screaming with impatience inside. On the outside, I don’t scream. I become incomparably grim, terse, and nagging. (Isn’t that just so much better?)
By then, I’m tired of asking the girls twice or three times to do what they’re supposed to do. We’ve had the same bedtime routine for years, but it still doesn’t roll by itself, and my brain at the end of the day is fried when it comes to thinking of suitable warnings: “If I have to ask again, you’ll experience X consequence.” The first line of disciplinary consequence is to have a stuffed animal taken away and put on top of the buffet. But by bedtime, the buffet is groaning under the weight of stuffed animals. The second line is a time-out, but by the end of the day there’s no time left to “out.”
It’s not about having a Type-A craving for a perfectly neat house and perfect children. It’s really about feeling ineffectual and incompetent. If I have to ask twice or three times, and if there’s no improvement night after night, I’m obviously not having much impact as a leader. Given that my main occupation these days is being a mother, it’s rather demoralizing. I feel like:
- One of those nightmares where I’m screaming and no sound is coming out;
- The teacher’s voice in the Peanuts;
- The teacher in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
I know, I know: the best parents don’t let their own need for significance get tangled up in their parenting. Think about the children. It’s not about me. But I can’t seem to fully realize this.
When we got home last night, my husband handled the bedtime ritual while I took a phone call. He experienced what I was talking about — having to ride them every minute. So this morning, managerially gifted person that he is, he suggested we make a list of things they need to do at night, with designated consequences.
Will it make any difference?
Or am I slowly but inexorably becoming Richard Dreyfuss…
I’ve not seen that movie, but I can identify with the feelings in that clip.
I’d say it is definitely time for a change of consequences since these don’t seem to be working. Maybe going to bed 15 minutes earlier the next night or something else that might impact them a little more, and instead of repeated reminders, a stating one time of the consequences, then implementing them if there is no obedience. They’ve indirectly gotten the idea that they don’t really have to get down to business until after all the other stuff has happened.
I don’t mean to give pat answers, just a couple of ideas.
I don’t think you need to feel guilty about wanting it all to go more smoothly or to feel ineffectual. Parenting is continual on-the-job training — what “works” with one child in one season might not with another child or the same child at a different time, so if one approach isn’t working, it’s time for something else. Besides wanting a more peaceful process (which is not a bad goal), learning obedience and cooperation is better for their character and habits.
Those are good thoughts. I like the idea of making an earlier bedtime a consequence.
Another thing I’ve tried is keeping a list of extra jobs, assigned as consequences. But being assigned an extra job is something they seem to love. Older Daughter gets inspired, and does everything on the list: organizes the tupperware cupboard, cleans under her bed, dusts the furniture, hand washes the glasses… It gets me a clean house, that’s for sure.
We also pay a nickel or a dime for certain chores if they’re done after being requested once; no payment if we have to ask twice.
It’s hard to figure out what really works to motivate them, though. Alas, they seem relentlessly cheerful.
You’re so right that this is continual OJT.
I’m not laughing because I understand. Really, I am so NOT. What pitcher? And I am the epitome of patience!
(Ok, don’t come to my house around bedtime……..)
Oh, Janet, I feel your pain.
Just last night, our girls went to bed WITHOUT BEING READ TO and WITHOUT AN AUDIOBOOK because they began fighting as soon as they entered the house after coming home from church. I’m sure the wails until they went to sleep could be heard from next door.
I’m all ears as to your solutions/wisdom.
Oh, and that pitcher full of patience? Mine is empty most mornings. Mornings are just as hard for me as night times.
I LOVE the clip. I haven’t seen the movie, but I relate to it sooo very much!
I hope you have a more relaxed day!
Janet, I think your girls have quite tender consciences and maybe their daddy could have a talk with them about- delayed obedience being disobedience, and what God’s Word says about that. Do you have a specific if/then response to disobedience?
Again, not claiming to have answers just throwing a few more thoughts your way. What is effective in one family won’t necessarily work in another. OJT for sure.
I’ll tell you though, the the buffet groaning under the weight of stuffed animals is a hilarious picture to me. sorry to laugh
As I was reading your post, my first thought was, “Ask your husband for his input, Janet.” And then God did it for you.
By the way, I loved Bill Murray in What About Bob? It’s one my guiltiest pleasure movies.
I think that movie’s a riot. It hasn’t occurred to me to feel guilty about it, though!
Yes, my husband and I talk these kinds of things over regularly. But there’s no way to escape the “ongoingness” of parenting. There’s such inertia toward sliding away from the standards we ourselves set. Then it gets frustrating for everyone.
Currently there is no one peering down from the top of the buffet, but sometime I should snap a picture when it’s crowded up there. It’s an instantaneous glimpse of how the day has gone!
The early bedtime is also the ultimate consequence in the merit-demerit system that worked for me, called Marbles and Pennies. The kids collect marbles for “bad deeds” and pennies for “good deeds” throughout the day, and then when Mom or Dad tallies them in the evening, they find out how early the bedtime is. The first time my son had to go to bed early, you’d have thought it was a life prison sentence. He reformed overnight. The loveliness of this system is that it is morph-able to cover whatever the parent wants to encourage or discourage: leaving socks lying around, speaking kindly to one’s sibling, completing school work, etc. My youngest kids were about nine and six when we started using it, only for those two. It can help the parent to remove her emotions from the situation; it’s The System the children have to deal with. I will try to find the details in my old papers.
I’m intrigued. If you find the details, feel free to leave them here, or email them to me at janetATacrossthepageDOTnet.
Ugh, it made my day to know I’m not the only one experiencing these exact same frustrations . . . and feeling bad about my parenting as a result! Love the C.S.Lewis quote, too! (Glad to have found you- from a comment on Ruth’s blog.)
That’s a good way of putting it, Janet … the inertia away from our standards. Mr. K and I experience that far too often and keep reminding ourselves, “We’ve got to get back to basics.” The other day, I jotted down, “I’m amazed at how consistently I am inconsistent.”
It made me giggle to think of the top of your buffet representing the DEFCON level.