May22
Tired of the fence
My husband is a perpetually hopeful person. He sees an ideal, commits himself to it, and neither hell nor high water can shake him from it. I tend to be more of an equivocater. I see the pros and cons, and perpetually evaluate: is it going well? Or not?
It’s a mix that makes for some interesting discussions lately on the subject of homeschooling. Try though I might, and recognize its strengths though I might, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about whether to continue next year.
Here’s a list of our reasons for homeschooling. A friend recommended that I make one, and return to it in moments of doubt to assess how we’re faring. It gives me some solid criteria to consider. This is a personal list, not a “recommendation” for anyone else:
- Building a relationship. I wanted to hit my parenting insecurities head-on and not turn my kids over to someone else until such time as I felt like Mrs. Good Parent.
- Nurturing a Christian worldview the way my Christian liberal arts education did for me as a college student.
- Fewer videos, more books. Every day in public school kindergarten, they watched movies. No thanks.
- The attractiveness of the classical education model (as laid out in The Well-Trained Mind). I really liked the way we could go through the entire cycle of history 3 times, once in each stage of the trivium, in increasing depth each time.
- Story-based learning. With my training, it seemed like a no-brainer that this would be something I would enjoy, and be able to pass that enjoyment along.
- One-one instructional time, less wasted time, more energy for creative pursuits and play.
- Freedom to design our schedule.
- A different model of socialization than the public school affords, and one that prioritizes different values.
- As my husband (along with Dorothy Sayers) puts it, we want our children to learn how to learn, how to think. We feel this can happen better in a non-institutional setting.
I wouldn’t say we’re doing badly on any of these things. The issue isn’t whether we’re meeting our original criteria. It’s that new questions have arisen outside of these original criteria. In a nutshell, though I’m convinced I’m absolutely the best mother for my children, I’m not always convinced I’m the best teacher.
Here are some things that were nowhere on the landscape when I was considering homeschooling as a possibility, but that haunt me now that I’m actually doing it:
- I don’t always push them enough. Other times I push too hard and make them afraid to fail.
- I’m terrible at redeeming the time; they have lots of free time, and sometimes I wonder if it’s making them undisciplined or undirected. Is it good to have so much time to make tiny clay animals? Or should it be broken up with more scheduled commitments?
- There are some veins of the homeschool community that I just don’t relate to. But for my children to have any kind of social life, I need to be able to jump in and engage with other homeschoolers.
- Does having me as both mother and teacher enlarge their world — or shrink it to my dimensions?
- I taught college English. Teaching early elementary students one-on-one is a whole different ballgame. Just up the street is a school full of qualified professionals. A friend certified in early elementary education who homeschools her kids tells me that she doesn’t value her professional training, because it didn’t give her any of the specific, practical knowledge she really needed in the classroom. But I still wonder if they would do a better job than I do. They have more OJT.
- Are the kids getting all they need? Is this what God is calling me to do — or is he calling us to release them to the instruction of the school system, which mirrors the world they will live in all their lives, and build a strong and loving and stimulating family and church life around it? It’s imperfect — but so are we. Does faith mean pressing on, or releasing?
My husband loves the idea of homeschooling. He’s committed to it. It drives him to distraction when I come home from my morning walk, as I did this morning, and say, “Is this really the best thing for our children? I really want the best thing for our children.” To him I come across as someone blown and tossed by the winds of emotion, unseated from the noble charge by the first bad day that comes along.
I’m not a flake. But he’s right that I’m not as committed as he is. I lack a deep inner conviction about what’s right, and so far my prayers haven’t brought me any closer. It’s a subject you can make good arguments for on both sides. What I need is a perspective that breathes life decisively into one side or the other. We’re not going to switch the kids back and forth. If they go to public school, that’s that; we’re not going to hopscotch back and forth or around to different schools.
10 Comments »Parenting/Education
We only homeschooled for four years, and that primarily because we moved and weren’t satisfied with the Christian schools in the area.
I am one of those who would never — unless the Lord just made it unmistakably clear — put my children in a public school. I spent most of my school years there, and even decades ago when you’d think the schools would have been “cleaner,” heard dirty jokes as early as third grade. I know people who send their kids there and it seems to work for them, and I couldn’t say no Christian ever should. But it is a conviction for me.
But I did waffle between Christian school and home school, for many of the reasons you mentioned on both sides. Any schooling option has its problems.
I for one would not add any more scheduled commitments. I see families running ragged from activity ti activity, things which are ok in themselves, but the kids lack downtime to just be kids. I think your kids are doing great using free time to create clay animals and reading rather than vegging out in front of the TV or video games.
I’m sorry I can’t offer any clear motivation to help you come down on one side clearly. I am so with you on the pros and cons of homeschooling. I homeschool and my son (8yrs) seems to be getting wilder and wilder, with emotions bouncing off the wall. About twice a year when I visit South Africa, they attend a small local school for a month. He seems more mature, more steady when attending school. As if the very act of stepping out of his comfort zone each day forces him to get his emotions in line. For me, I know I am more able to be my professional, less emotional self, in an institutional environment other than home. But on the other hand my son still can say with great passion that he loves history and maths (I’m also struggling my way through Saxon 2), at home he gets to leap about like some half crazed animal when counting by 10 because why not. Until I get a flash forward of him doing this in front of a boardroom full of suits. My daughter who started off as the model of a neat, eager, ’school girl’ seems less and less inclined towards neatness and order. But then she can narrate a Greek myth at 6years, delightfully and she has such a sharp, inquiring mind. And both of them are such good friends, playing such brilliant games together. I also vacillate between not demanding enough of them and then suddenly getting the bit between my teeth on some matter and expecting far too much- without the knowledge of how to get them to where I want them to go. There is no perfect option. Though I felt I almost had perfect for awhile when a missionary friend who was a qualified maths teacher taught them maths and took them for the whole of Thursday morning. She lived a five minute walk away so it was so convenient. They loved putting their best foot forward for her and my son took huge leaps forward in maths, whereas he had hit a wall with me. Unfortunately she has now moved away. I’m sorry this is far longer then I intended. You have my empathy, that’s all, and I’m sure the prayers of many.
What can I say? You are the one who knows your children best. Their wants, desires, needs. You been on the job training since they were born. You have more ojt with your kids that anyone else. I guess the question would be – What or who would serve your children best? Who has a vested interest in your children – you or the professional down the street.
In our case, James is a spirited kid – one of those kids. The powers that be in the schools would say he has adhd or aspergers or one of those many learning disabilities because he doesn’t fit into their box. I understand him and know how to work with him. I can deal with the incessant questions and talking. I can cater to his imagination and teach him outside the box, rather than force him to sit inside that box. When we decided to start home school, we took it one year at a time. However, our school system isn’t the best and when I hear about lockdowns and having to go through metal detectors just to go to school, zero tolerance for normal boy activities, and everything else, I want to keep him at home. I’ve told my husband that as long as we are living in this area, we will be homeschooling. He agrees with me. So now the question isn’t whether we will continue each year, it’s what will we teach this year. What do we need to work on.
We all have doubts and concerns. It’s part of life – whether we are homeschooling or not. Home schooling is also a full time commitment. We are with our kids 24/7 and it’s not easy. Yes, they may have more free time that the kids in school, but look at how they are spending their time. Your daughter is being creative, her imagination is engaged. She has the freedom to explore, engage her mind, learn what ever comes to mind. Which environment would she thrive best in.
From the very beginning, my husband has had his doubts. From the very beginning he has said “I’m not qualified, I’m not a certified teacher.” But in my mind he is a perfect teacher for my son. He is so knowledgeable in areas I don’t have a clue about – electronics, science, etc. And he loves talking about all those things and learning along side our son. Every now and again, those doubts crop up, we discuss them and move on – because we know that, for us, home schooling is the better option.
I don’t know if any of this helps. I understand completely and hope you find the answer you seek.
Oh, Janet, I could’ve written this post! (How many times have I written this in y our comments?) I wish you and I could just get together for a face-to-face chat, although I’m not sure we’d help each put our homeschooling angst to rest.
It’s tough, isn’t it?
My own dh sounds like yours–make a decision and stick with it. It drives him nuts that I flip-flop so much.
It seems like no matter how hard I pray, I can’t resolve myself to stick with the direction I feel I’m being led to go.
I’m sorry–I’m no help at all.
Yes you are.
Thank you all for the thoughtful, helpful comments. Every one of them gives me some new insight to consider — along with the encouragement of knowing that I’m not alone in wrestling with these things.
I’m going to be totally honest here so excuse me if I offend. It drives me nuts when people say, ‘God is calling me to homeschool’ or ‘I don’t think God is calling me to homeschool’. Homeschooling is the right thing to do no matter what. I don’t think anyone is ‘called’ to do anything but ‘homeschool’ because it is the most natural thing to do. It’s not natural to have babies and then give them away for somebody else to raise when they’re 5 years old. Collective education doesn’t work. It trains people for all kinds of social problems. It’s not right to separate siblings. It’s not right to separate children from their parents. Homeschooling is not just about academics. It’s about a choice in lifestyle. ‘Homeshooling’ is what people did for a zillion years and when one looks at the roots of the American public education system, one can see why it’s just plain wrong (read John Taylor Gatto’s, ‘The Underground History of American Public Eductation’). I think everyone should ‘homeschool’- however, this would look different for every family and you’d have to have support based in small communitites. The public school system should be eradicated. This is a decision that is not based upon any special calling. This decision is based on you, as a parent, making the best decision for your children. If you are striving to be a Christian, then one of your top priorities should be to teach your children how to love. You cannot do this in a system of collective education.
You’re entitled to your opinions, of course. I don’t agree with them.
Hi Janet,
I’m way behind on blog reading, but it was good to catch up with you this afternoon.
I always appreciate the honesty in your writing. I’ll be praying for you as you grapple with these weighty issues.
One perspective (which you’ve probably heard before) is that home education is the most direct way to implement Deut. 6:6-9. Sending our kids to public or private school seriously limits the amount of time we have with them, and sometimes, in the eyes of the child, teachers and peers have a tendency to take the dominant authority role.
Again, I enjoyed catching up with your blog. I know this isn’t the correct entry for this comment, but I appreciated your review of Davita’s Harp. It’s one of Potok’s books I haven’t read yet, and I love Potok!
Thank you, Lisa — for both the wisdom and the prayer.
I’m leaning toward continuing. Every year seems to require a re-commitment in a different or deeper way.
Thought you might find this of value – even though you do not have boys.
http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/05/the_crisis_of_the_disappearing.html
Written by someone you may or may not know from college.
I believe you are doing right by your children. Keep up the good work!