Biography,  Parenting

The Shaping of a Christian Family

Few books make me weep, but this one by Elisabeth Elliot brought me to tears more than once. This level of emotion was highly impractical, as I read most of it wedged tightly between other mothers on the bench at my daughters’ swimming lessons last week. Elliot, writer of Through Gates of Splendor, describes in this book the home she grew up in: her memories of her parents, something of their history, insights into their parenting and their habits of devotion. What emerges from the pages is a household characterized by order, discipline, courtesy, quietness, integrity of the highest order, and great love. It belongs in the mental category marked “Heroism.”

A little background: it’s possible to read this book and be repelled. If you come from a different philosophical basis than Elliot’s biblical worldview, you might find this a record of a stifling environment, or a legalistic one. I didn’t find it to be that, for three reasons: first, I share Elisabeth Elliot’s worldview. Second, she is one of my personal heroes. A few years ago in the midst of a difficult time, a friend gave me a cd set of 6 talks Elliot gave at a women’s retreat in 1996. She develops one phrase from St. Frances of Assisi’s prayer in each talk as she unpacks the theme “Instruments of Peace.” To me this series was like Lucy’s cordial in the Narnia series; it breathed new life into me. I listen to it at least once a year, letting that calm voice apply its great wisdom and spiritual astringent to my soul. All of this to say, it would be very difficult if not impossible for anything Elisabeth Elliot produced to draw a negative response from me.

The third reason for my positive reaction, though, is that while in some homes the values Elliot’s parents instilled could undoubtedly veer into harsh legalism, in this family it’s clear that they were exhibited and taught with deep affection. It makes all the difference in the world. Here’s an example:

My father’s heart was turned to his children. He was not only an encourager but also a comforter. I sometimes had nightmares and would call out in fear. The hall light went on. My bedroom door opened, and I could see the tall silhouette of my father in his old wrapper. “What is it, Betsy?” He sat down on the bed and took my hand. He sang hymns — “Safe in the Arms of Jesus,” “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” — and often gave me a Scripture verse for a “little pillow” to go to sleep on, such as “He careth for you,” or “Lo, I am with you always.” His presence brought God’s presence to my bedside.

That’s a far cry from harsh perfectionism. Who doesn’t long to know fatherly tenderness like that? Equally telling are Elliot’s descriptions of her mother, whose heart toward her children is recorded in the still-existent letters she wrote to them after they left home. Eventually she developed a system of copying all her 6 children’s letters to her “and sending them out, week by week, to all the rest. It was a fat package that we would look forward to — her letter, often with various enclosures, and several letters from siblings… The family letter served to maintain a rare kind of unity between us when we were scattered to the four winds.”

The evidence of a deep affection and respect between parents and children only increases the attractiveness of the disciplined home Elliot remembers in these pages. Here are parents in perfect accord with one another, who faithfully read their Bibles year after year, taking notes, memorizing hymns, keeping prayer journals, holding regular family devotions (twice a day!). Here are children who learn obedience, quietness and courtesy, routine, responsibility, thrift. It all seems out of reach, but the best part is that ultimately what’s affirmed is the message, “If they can do it, I can too.” Over and over, this book shows how effective parenting boils down to the same things for all of us: love, patient repetition, clear instructions, fairness, trustworthiness, enforcement of known consequences, and above all practicing what we preach. My home won’t look like theirs; probably we won’t ever have hymn-sings or devotions twice a day. But it helps to be reminded that there are no shortcuts to instilling the character traits I admire most. None of us feels adequate to the task, but the God who gives us these little souls to nurture will provide the means for us to do it.

Already I notice ways I’ve been influenced by reading this. The only one I’ll mention here is that I’ve made a more conscious surrender of my parenting to God. “Called to be a mother, entrusted with the holy task of cooperating with God in shaping the destinies of six people, she knew it was too heavy a burden to carry alone,” Elliot writes of her mother. “She did not try. She went to Him whose name is Wonderful Counsellor… She asked His help.” This is a book about taking the long view, and understanding that though parenting demands more inner resources than we have, help is available.

I’ll close with this final gem, which offers a choice of perspectives to mothers of young children. I know which one I want to view my life through:

The story is told of three women washing clothes. A passerby asked each what she was doing.

“Washing clothes” was the first answer.

“A bit of household drudgery” was the second.

“I’m mothering three young children who some day will fill important and useful spheres in life, and wash day is a part of my grand task in caring for these souls who shall live forever” was the third.

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